1/15/2007 China Day 112: Shanghai - Shanghai Freaks

Tonight was some sort of star-crossed night for me. I had every single wrong kind of approach on me at JZ Club, an otherwise delightful cozy little jazz club on West Fuxing Road (Fuxing Xi Lu).


First there was the 40-year old, 40-pounds overweight (and not in the right places, despite her claims to the contrary) self-proclaimed Marilyn Monroe-esque blonde bombshell fashion writer. She wanted me to look at her enormous breasts which she said were responsible for attracting all sorts of men sometimes from across the room (or was that the universe?). I didn't want to look, but I looked out of the corner of my turned face to be polite. Was that polite? Maybe I should have fondled them out of politeness. Well, as I said before, she was overweight, but not in the right places. Final verdict: not enormous; not even ample.

Then the fashion writer introduced me to her friends, who included Alice, the Dutch redhead author-photographer. She has a new book about Shanghai jazz coming out this Friday. Now if the fashion writer was 40 years old, then Alice is 50. (And if I was off and Marilyn Monroe was actually 50, then Alice was 60, and so on, and so forth.) Ok, so I was just wearing my sort of body fitting red T-shirt at the time. No pants. Fuck. I had pants on! What were you thinking!! The T-shirt is really more crimson than simple red, and it's not really that form fitting anymore after several washes and ring dries by me. All this by way of an excuse for the Dutch woman, because she needed one. The first words out of her mouth after I introduced myself were, "And you're a masseur?" This being China, and we being at a jazz club and not a fucking sauna, I took that to mean gigolo. What the fuck?! Jake! Fucking Dutch! If you and Alice are any example, you need to learn the art of sweet talking, seducing, foreplay, and some sort of grasp of reality!!$#@ And your cuisine - if you can call it that - it's shameful!

Finally, to end the night right, there was this interesting Englishman travelling on business. He's married with kids and lives in London. We were having very interesting conversation, and he was getting closer. Then after several drinks, he had to go to the bathroom. So did I. So I went with him. He had this interesting way of peeing where he stood sideways and peeed into the urinal so that I could see (appreciate, I'm sure) his penis as I stood behind him waiting to use the only urinal. I was not appreciative and I found it easy to look him in the face instead. Then when it was my turn, he wanted to politely see mine. Hrm, well, look if you want, I guess. I can't really preserve my modesty from an interested and motivated observer and piss at the same time. Finally, back to the bar, he excused himself soon after saying that if he didn't leave soon, he wouldn't be able to control himself because I was just too cute. He left with his boyfriend.

See, Jake, at least the Englishman knows something about seducing and taking time. Conversation, show your penis, hug - you know, all the standard tools of the trade. Now, if he had just gotten the order right, it might have worked.

Ok, so I left out the gem of the night, Jandi. I'm not being sarcastic this time. When compared with the rest of the people I met at JZ Club that night, she is refreshingly ... normal. We talked on and off during the night. She is a Korean freelance writer who's travelled around America, Europe, and Asia. And she is best friends with Alice. I only have nice things to say about her except that she drank a little too much that night and didn't like my appreciation for one of her favorite authors. She thought I wasn't cultured enough, which I'm not. Oh, and she's a little lonely (I don't know why).

I don't want you to go away thinking that JZ Club is a freak show. Because other than everyone I met that night, it was a great fucking place. First, they serve Macallan 12, 18, 25, and 30 in China, so they obviously know what the fuck is good. I bought a bottle of Macallan 12 for a little bit too much. Second, the music, lighting, and accoustics were great. Reminds me of Yoshi's in Oakland. But the lighting at JZ Club is actually better. It was perfect, actually. Finally, the wait staff and bartenders there are wonderfully nice, cheerful, and friendly. I defintely recommend the place, and will probably be back myself.

And who knows, maybe a Marilyn Monroe look-alike, a Dutch redhead, or a bisexual Englishman is just what you're looking for! If so, you're in for the night of your life!